Our story starts in the wonderful castle of Lord British. Actually, it isn't really wonderful, it's more of a dump, but you get the idea.
(Lord British and Iolo are eating dinner.)
Iolo: Hey Nose, cool fork! (Reaches for it.)
LB: Don't even think about it! And quit calling me Nose!
(Shamino walks in dressed like Xena)
Shamino: No way am I going to walk around Britannia dressed like this!
Iolo: Quit complaining! Look at me!
(Iolo stands up and twirls around. He is dressed as Gabrielle.)
LB: You people make me sick!
Iolo: (Whining) Why does he have a Chackram and I don't? (Reaches for it)
Shamino: Don't even think about it!
Iolo: (Whining) Why do I have to be the dorky sidekick?
(The Avatar walks in, humming "Stones". Grabs LB's fork)
LB: (Screaming) STOP THIEF!!!!!
Avatar: TEMPER, Nose.
LB: DON'T CALL ME NOSE!!
Avatar: (Spies Shamino and Iolo and their clothes and starts to laugh.) At least I don't have a part in this horrible show!
LB: Actually, you do.
Avatar: What is it?
LB: Oh, you'll find out. (Snickers)
Avatar: Joxer, I bet. Or "Brave" Sir Robin. D'OH!
(Avatar exits, muttering curses. I wonder how he became the Avatar in the first place.)
Shamino: I'm going to the bathroom to fix my hair.
Iolo: I'm going too.
LB: And remember, LADIES, you go to the women's room now. Heh heh.
(Paladia Dragon enters)
Paladia: There has been a change of plans, Nose. You are now in the show too.
(LB exits, muttering curses. I wonder how he became king in the first place. Paladia phases out.)
Along the King's Way
(Shamino and Iolo are walking down the King's Way, looking at the script.)
Iolo: Okay, so we stop in Dr. Cat's and say, "Gimme a hamburger, Doctor".
Shamino: No way am I eating one tof those! They don't call that place"The Cat's Lair" for nothing! Although they do have the best ale this side of Britannia....
(They pass by a McDonalds)
Iolo: Last time I saw one of those I was back home on Earth!
Shamino: They have a resturant in Despise. Ugh, that food is worse than the Doctor's hamburgers! I tried those Chicken Selects, and the end result was not pretty!
Iolo: Tell me about it!
(Ronald McDonald walks out of the McDonalds smoking a cigar. He is holding a cell phone to his ear and has fistfuls of money in his hand.)
Ronald: Yeah, next we'll do pitas! We'll grow an empire of pitas, just like those Wendy's jerks! We'll.....
(He stops short, seeing Shamino and Iolo staring at him.
Ronald: Hello girls errr... boys. Can I intrest you in some Chicken Selects?
(Shamino loses his lunch and dinner at the sound of Chicken Selects.)
Iolo: See what you made him do! I'm not cleaning this up!
Ronald: Hey, I need someone to clean up this guy's barf!
(LB and the Avatar walk out wearing pink aprons and holding buckets and sponges.)
Avatar: I am NOT cleaning this up!
(Avatar glares at LB)
LB: But Avatar, I can't do ANYTHING for myself!
Avatar: Every time I come to this land you want me to do something for you. (mocking tone) Avatar, destroy the evil wizard. Avatar, destroy the other evil wizard. Avatar destroy the evil wizards' child. Avatar, clean the stables!!! (Rolls his eyes)
LB: But Avatar, the clown is scaring me!
Avatar: How about if I give you a weapon, and you can kill the clown yourself!
Ronald: NO!! THAT'S NOT VIRTUOUS!
Avatar: It's virtuous if you are money-hungry demon-spawn, which you happen to be. NOW DIE! (To LB) Kill him!
Ronald: NO! You misunderstand. I am trapped in the story, just as you. I am your friend, Sentri. Remember me?
Sentri: NOONE REMEMBERS SENTRI! IT'S ALWAYS DUPRE! (Like Jan from the
Brady Bunch) DUPRE, DUPRE, DUPRE!
Shamino: Let's head over to Paws. Maybe this stupid story will end there.
Paws: The Town Where No One Wants To Live
(They enter the Cat's Lair)
Dr. Cat: Hello friends, and welcome to the Cat's Lair. I'm Dr. Cat.
Dupre: And I'm Dupre the Mighty!
Sentri: (Like Jan) DUPRE, DUPRE, DUPRE!
Avatar: Shut up, Sentri. Hello Dupre. So are you trapped in this too? I thought you were DEAD
Dupre: Sorry to say yes. But I do get all the free ale I want!
(Chuckles bounces in)
Chuckles: Let's play the Game!
Chuckles: But it's fun!
Everyone: GO AWAY, YOU INFERNAL SPAWN OF EVIL!
Chuckles: I kow how to have fun! (Singing) Chicken Selects, Chicken Selects, They'll make you sick or your money back....
Shamino: It won't work anymore. I have gained Chicken Select Immunity.
Iolo: But how did you gain it? You didn't do anything special.
Shamino: I did what you do in all other Ultimas to get experience- Jump around a lot. It works!
Avatar: I thought you just had one Pixie Stick too many.
Dr. Cat: Dupre, your hamburger is ready.
(Shamino barfs all over the floor)
Trinsic: It's a Klingon Town
(Our heros arrive in Trinsic, where something seems a little....
Iolo: Something's not right.....
Dupre: Yeah! I used to be the frickin' MAYOR of this town, then that stupid GORDY had to take it over, stupid son-of-a...
(A warrior walks up to them)
Warrior: nuq neq?
Shamino: (To Avatar) What did he just say?
Avatar: Oh I'm sick of it! Always having to be the TRANSLATOR around here! Yeah, in Ultima 6 I had to learn Gargish, which was hard, but when we went to New York, and everyone talked so strange, and we had to dodge those cars.... and that's all we did, just dodge cars.......
Iolo: Um, aren't you referring to Frogger?
Iolo: While you were hanging with those snakes in the void, we took a trip to New York and the Avatar got a little TOO addicted to a video game.
Avatar: All those cars! The cars! The CARS! STOP THE HORROR!
Shamino: Um, Avatar, you'd better take a look at this....
(They look up to see themselves totally surrounded by warriors)
Shamino: Strange, they don't look like normal Britannians. Do you know what they are Dupre?
Sentri: I know! But noone asks me! It's always DUPRE! (Doing the Jan thing again) DUPRE DUPRE DUPRE!
Iolo: But WHAT are they?
Sentri: They're Klingons! Do ANY of you watch Star Trek?
Shamino: Not me. It's a geek show.
Avatar: And what do you think you are, Shamino?
(Okay, an apology to all geeks out there, including myself.)
Sentri: British? What about you?
Sentri: British? Hello? Mr. Nose? HELLO?!?!?!?!
(Turns around and gasps in horror as he sees the biggest, meanest, ugliest, stupidest Klingon of all using British as a tooth pick. It is none other than WORF!)
Sentri: OHMIGOD! It's...... it's....... it's.........
Dupre: (Hums the Monty Python's Flying Circus theme song)
Sentri: It's Worf!
Worf: I protest, I am not a merry man!
Sentri: (Whispering) Worf may be the biggest, meanest Klingon around, but he's none too bright. He's always saying stupid things.
Worf: We will get so close to the sun our hull will light up like a flaming comet!
Shamino: (Looking at the script) Where are we? Oh, right. Well, according to the script, there should be a group of invaders coming from the Temple of Logic.
Shamino: Right about...... now.
(Just as he says that, a group of Vulcans emerge from a Moongate and start killing the Klingons.)
Avatar: Invaders? From the Temple of Logic? WHY?!?!?!?! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
Dupre: This whole story doesn't make sense.
Sentri: This isn't right! Vulcans are supposed to be LOGICAL!
Vulcan: We're not Vulcans, we're Romulans!
Sentri: BUT ROMULANS FROM THE TEMPLE OF LOGIC? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE EITHER!
Romulan: I don't know, ask the writer!
(Some clouds open up and you can see the face of a weary writer poke through.)
Writer: *YAWN!* What do you want NOW?
Dupre: Quit it with the dumb Star Trek gags!
Shamino: And the gross food!
Iolo: And the tacky outfits!
Avatar: And killing off major characters! Like LB!
Shamino: Actually, that's good.
Avatar: Oh, you're right.
Writer: Fine, fine. Off to Serpent's Hold then.
Iolo: Serpent's Hold? NO MORE TREK GAGS, Y'HEAR?
(She snaps her fingers and they find themselves on the streets of- NEW YORK CITY!)
Avatar: Oh the cars, the cars! STOP THE CARS!
New York, New York
(Our heros find themselves on the streets of New York City. They are
constantly looking around, amazed)
Shamino: Wow, this place is cool! All the tall buildings, all the lights, the cars, the..
(A man jumps from an alleyway and sticks a gun at Shamino's head.)
Man: Your money or your life!
Dupre: We don't have any money!
Man: Oh please! No one walks around New York without a huge wallet! Unless you are....
Iolo: Are what?
Man: Mutant Zombies from Outer Space! Oh man! Don't eat me! Please! (Runs back into the alley and hides in a dumpster.)
Dupre: Are all New Yorkers like this?
Iolo: Oh yeah.
(They walk around a bit more and are stopped by a guy dressed as a Klingon)
Klingon: Don't be scared. I'm not really a Klingon.
Klingon: In fact, you are the strangest-looking people I've seen all day.
Klingon: Congratulations! You've won our contest for the strangest people walking around New York! (To Shamino) Love the leather.
Dupre: Well, what do we get?
Klingon: A trip to Disney World in Florida!
Shamino: YAY! I want to see Minnie, and Mickey, and ride Dumbo, and dance around in the parades!
Klingon: Wait, wait. (To Sentri) YOU can't go.
Sentri: (Whining) WHY?!?!?!
Klingon: You look normal.
Dupre: Can I go?
Klingon: Sure! You look like a ghost! (He tries to put his hand through Dupre's chest. He succeeds.) All right! YOU can fly first class!
Sentri: Dupre Dupre Dupre! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Klingon: FINE! Quit your whining! I'll let you fly with the luggage!
Avatar: When do we leave?
Klingon: How about.... now?
Disney World: The place where dreams come true. That is, IF you have the money.
(Our heros arrive in Disney World. They are debating where to go.)
Avatar: I want to go to Epcot!
Iolo: Tower of Terror! Tower of Terror!
Dupre: Blizzard Beach! That's where all the babes hang out!
Sentri: Sea World! I want to see Shamu!
Iolo: Look in the mirror. Then you can see Shamu for free!
Shamino: Guys! Since this is MY story, I get to decide where to go! I want to go to Universal Studios to see the Xena ride!
Everyone Else: Awwwww!
(They magically arrive in Universal Studios. Shamino jumps on the Xena ride, followed by the others. The first room is a burning town. You see the stereotypical helpless villigers crying "Help us, Xena!" and stuff like that. In the second room, you see Xena stabbing Callisto to death. In the third room, you see Ares with a spammy laugh played over and over and over and over... When the ride is through, our heros walk into the "Xena Tavern". There they encounter- THE ULTIMA DRAGONS! Incoherent, Spiney and Harukaze are playing Scrabble. On the board, there are words like "Trill", "Fas", "Tars", "Maud", and "Supercalifragilisticepalidocious". They are arguing about wheather the words they put are real words or not. Wtcher is running around, splashing everyone with cold water that turns them to cats. Incoherent and Aelina are arguing about weather Data dances or not. Ophidian is moaning about his nonexistant love life- again. Fenrys the Fox is acting annoying, also again, so a small group of dragons stuff him into a teapot. And sitting among piles of programming books, drinking tang, is PALADIA!)
Shamino: I see her! (To Paladia) I've got you now!
Paladia: Oh no you don't! You forgot something! I wrote this story! I appeared to you in Trinsic in my human form! I teleported you to New York, what makes you think I don't have the power to bring you back there!
Iolo: Oh, right.
(You know, I'm sick of stories with myself in them. I'm out of here! Paladia teleports out, James T. Kirk teleports in!)
Kirk: You...... sick people..... you.... SICK!.......people....... You dress up......as......women.........and go around.......as a fictional........T.......V......character. A bad........one at.........that.
Shamino: NOOOOOO! NOT THE DRAMATIC PAUSES! NOT....THE.....DRAMATIC PAUSES!
(Shamino whips out his Chakram and slices Kirks head off. Two heads grow back.)
Kirk: Why...... did you do........ that? YOU.... SICK..... PERSON!
Iolo: Shamino! This Xena comic book says you should put a bag over it's head and set it on fire!
Shamino: Right! Spam Spam Spam Humbug!
Iolo: Welcome to the Cheater's Menu. What can I do for you today?
Iolo: Item Number?
Shamino: 1 And I also want a 94, 1, 1.
Iolo: Thank you come again!
(Takes the bag and stuffs it over Kirk's head. Then lights it with a torch. Kirk burns to death)
(The Great Earth Serpent appears)
GES: A new hero hasth entered thisth world. And he is driving all of usth in the void insthane! If you do not sthop this right now, thou wilt have to fashte the consequences, hero. Imbalansthe will tear thy world apart if you so not deshist, hero.
Cletis: Hey, Brendine! A huge snake! Looks like we're havin' dinner tonight! (Takes out rifle and shoots at GES, but the bullets pass through him)
Dupre: What's he doing here?
Avatar: Obviously the imbalance has started to destroy this world. As if anyone cares. They'd have died of gloal warming or by depleting the ozone layer anyway.
Sentri: So I guess this story's over, then.
Iolo: (Looking at the camera, which is a hard thing to do since you are reading this) ALLRIGHT! YOU HEARD THE GUY! GET OUT OF HERE! MOVE IT!
Next week on Shamino: Warrior Princess
Shamino, Dupre, and Iolo get trapped in Japan, where they must fend off a mob of adoring Pokemon fans, who have mistaken them for Ash, Misty and Brock! Guess who is who!