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A fistful of Ultima 7 Source: IT-HE Labs (Last synchronized 2 July 2005)

A fistful of Ultima 7

(The Avatar's Guide to Sin)

A fistful of Ultima 7


FEAR and LOATHING in FORGE-OF-VIRTUE - A 'walkthrough' for Ultima 7

Further Drug Experiments - Serpent Venom case study

  1. A small usecode patch
  2. Finances
    1. The five-finger discount
    2. Consecration Rituals
    3. The Church of the Fellowship
    4. The National Bank of Britain
    5. The Jewellery shop
    6. Advanced finances - gambling
    7. Dragons and Drugs
  3. Fun with Batlin
  4. Alagner - risen from the grave
    1. Bizarre resurrection accident
    2. Killing Alagner to save him
  5. Sleeping habits of the Rich and Famous
  6. Miscellaneous
    1. Battle of the Britishes
    2. Alternative Endings
    3. Oddities and bugs
    4. No-one leaves

A small patch for your added enjoyment

This patch is for FORGE OF VIRTUE ONLY!

It changes the name of the Ship which LB gives you. I don't think this happens at all in the original version..

BTW, I will not be held responsible for damage to your U7 installation.

If you screw it up, copy USECODE.BAQ over the file USECODE and all should be restored.

  • Go into the Ultima7\static directory.
  • Copy the file USECODE to USECODE.BAQ
  • Use a hex editor on the file USECODE.
  • Go to location 21FB2 and make sure the ASCII panel says "Golden Ankh"
  • Replace it with the following hex codes: 4A 6F 6C 6C 79 20 52 6F 67 65 72.
  • Go to location 15BE2C and make sure the ASCII says "Golden Ankh"
  • Now enter the hex codes again: 4A 6F 6C 6C 79 20 52 6F 67 65 72.
This should be far more appropriate!

Finances and the five-finger discount

The most important thing in most people's life is money, and the Avatar is no exception.

In Ultima 6 a decent way to get money is to go to trinsic, kill guards and fence their armour off at the nearest blacksmith.
Unfortunately, this is not U6, and that trick will get you killed in very short notice.
(Although it works quite well in Part Two - The Serpent Isle)

However, as my brother said:

"The key to this game is not through following the eight virtues.
The way to succeed in Ultima 7 is SERIAL KLEPTOMANIA!"

People get VERY upset in U7 if you steal too much, and Iolo or Dupre will leave, or even kill you.

So, the first lesson is how to steal effectively.

Consecration rituals

In the Pagan quotes, Richard Garriot is quoted as saying "stealing is OK as long as it's done properly."
The same is obviously true of U7.

What you are not allowed to do is pick something up and drop it again. This will bring out the cops, who will denounce you and restart the game (if you're still in Trinsic).

If, however, you take the item and put it straight into your pocket, you will get away with it, although Iolo will get a bit upset, and the Guardian will probably scold you.

Rule Number One: -Always drop the stolen goods into Iolo.
-Iolo will be less likely to leave if he commits the deed.
-Once Iolo has been 'innoculated' against theft, switch to the
next newest party member, and get them to steal instead.
-Thus, each member of the party becomes Innoculated.

Eating food off the table is also a great sin, and Iolo or Dupre will get most upset.

(In abbey, there is a huge crate of grapes. Once, I fed the entire party on the grapes. When I closed the crate, the Guardian said "You had best not do THAT, Avatar!", All of them shouted "Is that virtuous?" at once, Iolo left, Dupre started attacking me and the room was full of guards, because all the thefts had stacked up)

Like the First Rule, start by making Iolo/Dupre eat the Forbidden Fruit first, as this will get them used to the idea of eating stolen food.

Rule Number Two: -If you are going to eat a large quantity of Forbidden Fruit,
perform the following consecration ritual.
-First, get Iolo to pick the food up, and dip it into his sack.
-Now, take the food out again and lay it in the floor.
-The food is now 'Your Property'.
-Eat the food.

The Church of the Fellowship

When you visit Church, there are certain rules which are expected of the congregation.
  • Always wipe your feet on the mud-grate before entering.
  • Always join in the hymns.
  • Before you leave, always remember to rob the poor-box!

I'm feeling a bit poor today, Batlin, but I'm sure you'll understand
I'm feeling a bit poor today, Batlin, but I'm sure you'll understand

The National Bank of Britain

Robbing the bank of Britain.

It's easy, it's fun and you're gonna learn all about it.

First, find the bank. Now, get a large sack and write 'SWAG' on it (just kidding).

You will need several party members to carry all of that wonderful BOOTY.

Money is tight in the Land so there is only 1400gp in the vault, however this is enough to buy a ship and still have plenty left over for gambling, which is the key to the Universe.

This is the bank.

Right, here's my plan..
Right, here's my plan..

  • Go in, and run the Exchange woman through.
  • Open her up and you'll find 3 keys inside.
  • Open the first two doors.
  • Go to the second room and wait until the guard has moved into the first room.
  • Now shut the door and lock it.
  • Ransack this room and the adjoining chamber.
  • Use the Second Consecration Rule to make all the gold your property.
  • Unlock the First Door and dump all the booty there.
  • Go into the Third Room, and try to make the guard go away, so you can lock him out.
  • Consecrate all the loot and take it away.
  • Now, pick up the dead exchange woman.
  • Drag her into Lord British's castle and get him to resurrect her.
Once the woman is back in the now gutted and empty bank, get her to convert all the gold into hard cash.

Make damn sure that you SAVE before doing this...
If you are carrying too much to get all the money, it will disappear off into la-la land, so you will need to reload the game and drop lots of stuff, before getting it exchanged.

IDM: For the Treasury of Britannia, that place is pretty empty.
JPM: What do you mean?
IDM: There isn't much money at all in real terms.
For example, the annual defence budget. There isn't even enough to
replace the Halberds for all of the guards...
JPM: Must be why all these people are running away from the taxman.

Robbing the Jewellery

Before I found the bank, before I even saw Lord British, I came across the jewellery shop.

First I parked the get-away car outside, and then I went in.

Iolo, you wait here for us. Spark, you distract the manager. I'll open the cases.
Iolo, you wait here for us. Spark, you distract the manager. I'll open the cases.

It would have gone quite well, if those two morons hadn't decided to come and watch.

Then the guards came, I tripped over my followers and everything fell apart.

Then the guards came, I tripped over my followers and everything fell apart.
Suddenly I remembered why robberies are usually carried out at night.

(It is interesting to note that sometime around late '2000, a jewellers in London was successfully robbed using a variation on this technique.
If the Avatar had thought to bring a Yamaha R1 instead of a horse and cart, things would have worked out much, much better.)

Advanced Finances - Gambling

Gambling is a great moral sin, and quite contrary to the eight virtues.
So here's a wonderful way to get rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

I went to Bucanneer's Den to try and find some people Worthy to join my crime gang.
Instead I found a whole bunch of wimpy pirates, 6 gold bars and a Casino.

Here's how to make an apocalyptic sum of money.

Make more money than you can carry!
Make more money than you can carry!

Join the Fellowship

Your first duty after escaping from Trinsic, is to join the Fellowship.

Go and see Batlin, who is the grandmaster of the Fellowship, and ask to join.
(He will ask you a bunch of preliminary questions, which are all rigged to make you think you need to join).

When you are asked the copy protection questions afterwards, make sure you get them WRONG first time, as it is quite amusing.
Basically, Batlin decides you aren't quite ready for the fellowship yet, and everyone speaks garbage until you answer them correctly.

Invest 400 gold pieces in the Casino

Once you have joined the fellowship, steal 400 gold pieces, and get a ship.
Lord British has one you can use. The ship is named The 'Jolly Roger', or it will be after you apply my patch above ;-)

Now, in the Casino is a simple game called the Rat Race.
There are four lanes, one for each rat. The rats crawl at varying speeds, and only one will win.

To bet, place some money on the lane you think will win.

If you win, the payback will be 3-1, that is, putting 100 gp on the winner will give you 300 gp back.

But, (this is a big but), if you are a fellowship member, the payback is SIX TO ONE!

That is, if you place 100 gp on the winner, you'll get 600GP back.

Because of this, you can place an equal amount of money on all the lanes and make a profit, no matter which individual lane wins!

It is therefore possible, by placing a single coin on each lane, to make an arbitrary sum of money from an initial investment of four cold coins.

(When you think about it, this is very similar to the payment method used by the Restaurant at the End of the Universe in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.)

  • Place 100 gp on each lane, and start the race, thus winning 600 gp.
  • Take 200 gp from the winnings and put them elsewhere, so they are not part of the bet.
  • Put a quarter of the remainder on each lane (i.e. 100gp per track again) and do the race.
  • Now you have 800gp of winnings in total.
  • Using the 200gp mentioned above, set it up so there is now two piles on each track.
  • Now there is enough left from all following wins to add at least one extra pile per lane!

The table allows you to put up to six heaps of 100 gold pieces on each track, i.e. the maximum bet is 600gp.
Although there is room for a seventh pile, this last square is not taken into account when the payout occurs.

This paltry sum..

will, inevitably become THIS!

will, inevitably become THIS!

Oh my God, the table's collapsing!

Oh my God, the table's collapsing!

IDM: Try and get enough money to make 4 piles on each lane.
JPM: Iolo! Give me money to feed my gambling habit.
IDM: This isn't gambling, it's ROBBERY!
JPM: Iolo! Give me money to feed my Robbery habit!
IDM: Pretty soon the House is gonna to run out of money.
JPM: They DON'T run out of money! They draw it from thin air!
And through them, so shall I...

And it doesn't stop there...

Once the entire table is covered with gold, it should be the end of the line, because you can't have two piles of gold on each square.

Not so! Although you can't put any gold on the table, the program can.

The full table represents 2400 gold pieces.

When you run the rat-race, there will be a win, you will get 3600 gold pieces!
But wait! Each square now contains 6 piles of 100 gold coins!


Play the rat-race, and load back if you lose. Keep doing this until you win again.

You will now have 21600 gold pieces!


Play the rat-race and keep going until you win again. You'll know when you do, because all the rats will suddenly stop moving as the game struggles to create 129600 gold pieces before stumbling back to DOS with the message 'out of near memory'.

Carrying the swag home

Now, you should have a cool 21 grand.
But how will you take it home?

If you've done the Forge of Virtue add-one, remember that you should be able to carry 120 tons.

However, there is nearly twice that much on the table, and containers do have a limit to what they can hold.

Style is of paramount importance. Get two chests (Treasure Chests, no?) and the poor box from the Church.

Fill the first treasure chest with gold, until no more will fit in.

Fill the second chest with gold.

The remainder should fit in the poor-box.

Now, if you're an all-powerful Avatar, cast MASS-MIGHT and scream as your weight limit shoots up to 240 tons!

Quickly, pick up the chests, run to the ship and dump them in the hold.

(By rights the Jolly Roger/Golden Ankh should now go to a watery grave)

Sail off into the sunset!

Avarice is a deadly sin

Now, I referred to this as an Apocalyptic sum of money.
Park the ship in Britain and walk around a little. Once upon a time LB's castle had a roof, didn't it?

And as I looked up, the stars went out one by one...

There is so much money now, that the game is really under stress. You can live with it, nothing severe happens, if you can take the sight of disappearing walls.

Alternatively, take one of the treasure chests to an uninhabited Isle, and leave it there for buried treasure..

Dragons and Drugs

Be vewy, vwey kwiet.

I'm hunting Dwagons!

One of the first things I did when they so foolishly let me out of Trinsic was rush off and try to make as much money as I possibly could.
After I robbed the bank and the Jewellery shop, I wasn't too sure where I should go next.
I went back to Trinsic and shortly found some caves in the mountain nearby.

..And there were heaps and heaps of gold and jewels lying around.. and.. Dwagons!

Ah hate rabbit-dragons.
Ah hate rabbit-dragons.

Now, for some inexplicable reason the Dragon didn't want to be parted from it's riches.
A little detail like that never mattered before, mind you, but the Jeweller wasn't 20 feet tall and breathing fire.

Everything went red and I soon found myself back in the tender clutches of the Fellowship sanitarium near Trinsic with a large number of my ex-party members, now recently deceased.

About this time I realised how puny my party members were, but the only solution was to spend more cash on training.
Cash which was still the wrong side of that bloody great Dragon.

What could I do?

Die, King, Die!
Die, King, Die!

It didn't work in U6, so it wouldn't work in U7.. would it?

My God! It works!
My God! It works!

In U7, you can force potions down other people's throats.

  • Collect lots of blue sleeping potions
  • Find the dragon
  • Cram the potion down the dragon's throat
  • Press 'I' to halt the game, and grab as much treasure as you can before they wake up..

Creep in while the Dragon is sleeping.
Creep in while the Dragon is sleeping.
If the Dragon isn't sleeping, drug him until he is.

And blue potions really do come in handy in all kinds of situations...

"Thieving Scoundrel!" gasped the healer, as I forced the stolen blue potion down his throat.
I'd asked him to resurrect Inamo using the 420 gold coins I stole from Trinsic, but he wouldn't do it.
He just had time to say these words as he keeled over.

But this was too all much for Dupre, who lunged at me with cold murder in his eyes.

But this was too all much for Dupre, who lunged at me with cold murder in his eyes.

Still. What's good for the goose is good for the gander...

Still. What's good for the goose is good for the gander...

Now it's time to go sleepy-bye, you worthless piece of garbage
Now it's time to go sleepy-bye, you worthless piece of garbage

Fun with Batlin

There is absolutely no excuse for this whatsover.

DANBY: Batlin's very late today, isn't he?
DUPRE: As late as he can possibly be, Mr. Danby.
DANBY: Then we shall have to call him The Late Batlin, won't we?
DUPRE: Yes, Mr. Danby!

Batlin can only be killed using Death Bolt, and only when he's conducting the black mass at midnight (okay, 8pm).
Try it at any other time and he'll kill you with lightning.

It won't work at all under Exult - play the real game instead.

Disrupting the Mass

Number 1
Move Batlin's podium around while he's giving mass. Whenever he needs to talk to his flock, he will run to the podium wherever it is, so you can lead him on wild chases around the church in front of the congregation.

(Batlin is broken in Exult - play the real game instead).

Number 2
During the day, move Batlin's podium out of the Church, and far away, so he can't run to it without leaving the Church.
Wait for the mass. With the podium gone, Batlin doesn't know what to do anymore, and just stands there twiddling his thumbs and muttering 'ho-hum'
In fact he's now so confused that won't be able to perform the mass, even when all the congregation has arrived.

(Exult won't work, yada yada yada..)

Number 3
Get five kegs of black powder. Booby trap the Church.
Wait until the mass begins and relieve your stress upon the congregation.

Remember what happened to Guy Fawkes though
Remember what happened to Guy Fawkes though

Disarming Batlin

With the cheat enabled, press ALT-4, and choose Batlin.

All Batlin's possessions will plop out onto the floor, including four very interesting things: spells!

Grab the purple death-bolt using HACKMOVER (F2), and arm yourself with it.
Now you can kill people like he does! Unfortunately it wears out quickly.

Iolo, Dupre and Shamino join the Fellowship

With Batlin disarmed, and the HACKMOVER running, I decided to try and murder him.

I whacked him about 10 times, with him screaming "Save Me!"
Then I decided to try and make him stand on the rafters of the church (See This Isn't Possible!).

Instead he ended up on the roof, so I followed him.

"Black Sword," I crooned, "kill this fat bugger for me.".
"Alas Master, this one is too strong for me. His destiny lies elsewhere."
"Black Sword," I said, "make fire. Let us roast the fatted calf."

Arcadion let loose a huge burst of flame, causing Batlin to dance like a cat on a hot tin roof.
Unfortunately Tseramed also began to dance and scream as the flames rose higher.

Iolo, Dupre, Shamino, Spark and Sentri all reached a terrible conclusion.

They joined the fellowship, there and then.

Batlin led his new comrades in a vicious assault against the Avatar, who was forced to flee North.

To my horror I found myself trapped by the edge of the building with the 6 murderous ex-followers in hot pursuit.
Then I remembered I still had Hackmover running, and leapt from building to building..

I've seen this done before, in some action films, but never in Ultima

I've seen this done before, in some action films, but never in Ultima

...cutting off my pursuers.

Having given them the slip, I decided to take part in a spot of diabolical baby-basting, as proposed by Well-Dressed Dragon.
With my 'friends' no longer in RAM but swapped to disk, the game ran much more quickly.

Good Morning, noble Avatar. What's for breakfast?
Good Morning, noble Avatar. What's for breakfast?

Alagner - Risen from the Grave

On New Magincia, there is a cool dude by the name of Alagner.

He knows what the Fellowship is up to, he's got it all in his notebook.

You borrow the notebook for the Wisps, but when you return, the Fellowship has killed him, and he cannot be resurrected!

Despite the fact he has been cut into little pieces, Alagner has twice risen from the Grave, first by accident, and later by my own design.

One of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces...
One of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces...

Method one - Lord British resurrects the wrong person

Based on my usenet post:

Mr. Danby:

Well, M'Lud, it was like this..

I went off on a flying carpet ride with my 7 disciples.

Lord British was watching us as we left, so I gave him a passing whack with my
black sword. He got really angry, and all these guards descended on us!

I went into redout three times before the carpet was in the air, and when I
got near Despise, I noticed two people on the carpet attacking me.

So I whacked their heads in with the sword, and got Dupre to carry them.
When I got back to the castle, LB had forgotten all about our little
altercation, and I decided to resurrect the two guys who I topped.

The townsman was easy, LB just whacked 'im and he got up and scuttled off.

But the guard didn't work!

LB said he'd done the job, but the guard was dead as a can of spam.
And LB couldn't see the guard anymore.

I looted the body and threw all the booty around the throne room to see if
he'd notice.. he didn't.

But, M'lud, when we got to New Magincia, I found Alagner was walking round


I don't know, My Lord.
Last thing I remember, a couple of Fellowship bastards burst into my room and
cut me into little pieces. Next thing I knew I was in bed with a pounding
headache. I went to get some herbs and found this dead guy on the floor.
He looks just like me!

'Tis a mystery.


DNA testing has found an exact match between you and the corpse.
If there were two of you alive, this would present a problem.
But since the other Alagner is dead, I feel no further action is necessary.

Mr Danby, you are hereby fined 300gp for assault.

Case dismissed.

Method two - Saving Alagner by killing him

  • First, get to the point where Alagner has given you the key to his shed.
  • Kill Alagner, preferably with the Black Sword, as he won't be able to scream.
  • Iolo will question the virtues of killing Alagner, but it's probably the most virtuous act you'll ever commit.
  • Carry Alagner's body with you wherever you go.
  • Now, go into the shed and get the notebook.
  • Take the notebook to the wisps.
  • Return to Alagner's house. The Guardian will say cool stuff, and you'll see Alagner's sacrificed body!
  • Make sure the other Alagner is still in your pocket.
  • Cast Kal Lor (help) and return to Lord British.
  • Get LB to resurrect Alagner!
  • Follow Alagner, and watch as he goes mental, trying to adapt to his new surroundings. He seems to spend most of his time in Nell's bedroom. I wonder why?
  • Go back to New Magincia.
  • You should now see something quite similar to the screen shot above!
  • Remember, in Ultima 7, crime does pay!

Sleeping Habits of the Rich and Famous


  1. Find a cannonball
  2. Make sure Batlin is asleep
  3. Drop the cannonball in Batlin's bed
  4. Batlin will now pop up above all the sheets, clutching the cannonball in this curious pose:


From now on, each time he goes to bed he will reach for the cannonball.

Lord British

This recently-obtained photograph suggests that Lord British's often-rumoured affair with Nell may in fact be a love triangle

"Pleasant Dreams," says Iolo with a look of despair on his face
"Pleasant Dreams," says Iolo with a look of despair on his face

Frank the Fox

This elusive animal can be found in built-up areas, often heard scavenging for food amid rubbish.
A detailed analysis of their behaviour indicates that they never sleep, and remain awake for twenty-four hours a day.

Fun with Ultima 7

Battle of the Britishes

Having done this in U6, I had to try it in U7.
The difficult part was making the other Britishes aggressive, which had to be done by modifying their brains with the cheat system.

Alternative Ending Number 1

Having deposed Batlin, the Avatar takes his place

Alternative Ending Number 2

The Avatar, having been distracted by the various side-quests spends too much time with the Ether disrupted and his mind is destroyed.

Alternative Ending Number 3

The Avatar, found guilty on 14 counts of murder and the theft of 30000 gold pieces, is sentenced to 1200000 hours of community service at the Blue Boar.

Oddities of U7

  • When you kill a rabbit, the meat inside is BEEF
  • When you kill a deer, there are 5 legs inside
  • Northeast of Vesper is a treasure chest with a huge X marks the spot. When you approach it the Guardian says "!droL nagaP eht ma I". It is full of garbage and a magic key.
  • In Cove there is a small starfighter. Unfortunately you can't use it, as it would be good way to get home with the Moongates busted.
  • West of Trinsic is a cave with a Unicorn inside. He is well worth talking to.
  • If you hold the hawk in your right hand and the fire-sword in your left, the hawk lights your way instead of the fire-sword.
  • The Lycaeum contains a book called 'The Trio' which is about RUSH.
  • And of course, the Guardian is -very- pleased with you, if you use the Plaque to kill British.

No-one leaves

A man came up to me and said "I'd like to change your mind,
by hitting it with a rock," he said, "though I am not unkind."

Whistling In The Dark - They Might Be Giants

There will likely come a time when your crimes become extreme enough that it displeases your followers, and some of the doubters may break faith with the Avatar and attempt to leave.

This is a grave mistake; no-one leaves The Firm, and those who try are quickly rewarded with a death-bolt in the back of the head. A prompt casting of Resurrection will complete the act of power-cycling your errant follower, and they will hastily rejoin if asked (either because being hard-reset has cured the glitch, or because they know what's going to happen if they refuse.)

The other members of your party are struck dumb with awe and offer no comments while the exchange takes place.

Humour in Ultima games (Copyright 2002 By Joe Manternach)

An illustrated usenet post

From - Sun Jan 24 13:26:43 1999
Path: news.theplanet.net!diablo.theplanet.net!news-lond.gip.net!
From: well_dressed@leavethisout.hotmail.com (Well-Dressed)
Newsgroups: rec.games.computer.ultima.dragons
Subject: Re: Humor in Ultima Games
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 12:06:48 GMT
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Allen Pinsky, demonstrating style:

>If I may, I'd like to get some anecdotes on humorous or odd things that
>happened during various Ultima games-- either through a programming
>glitch, player error, or deliberate messing about. Did anyone else ever
>go "hunting" in U VI using a pickpocket spell on deer (if not, try
>it...)? How about accidentally abandoning Iolo on a Trinsic
>streetcorner for four months in U VII (I swear-- when he said "Do you
>want me to stay here?", I thought he meant he was going to get a room in
>town, not stand around outside until I got back.). Anyone have a
>bizarre in-game story to share?

Remember the two trainers in Minoc? I was watching them practice with
the bow, when the guy decided to shoot the woman in the back while she
was going to retrieve her arrows. Both simultaneously screamed "To the
death!" and a clash of epic proportions ensued. The woman quite easily
won the fight (leaving the guy in a bloody heap on the floor), and the
prior mutual perforation in no way seemed to affect her mood - she was
happy to offer training after the event. Like I could refuse training
from a woman who so thoroughly kicked ass :)

Of course, whenever I'm in Minoc, I'll have Owen commit suicide a few

A: "Hey Owen, what's that about the ship that sunk? The one you
designed? Heard it from the hairy freak down south."

O: "I don't deserve to live!"


A: "In Mani Corp!"

O: "I live!"

A: "Ah, Owen, amuse us. We were talking about that ship...?"

O: "I don't deserve to live!"


A: "Heh. In Mani Corp!"

And so on and so on. I usually prepare a little podium for Owen and
get chairs for the entire party, so they can watch the show more
comfortably. Sometimes we perform the show in the Minoc bar. We get
great reviews, really.

It's always nice to program a Wisp to hate Lord British and let it
loose in Castle British. It usually takes the two of them a mere five
minutes before all the other inhabitants have perished.

Or how about placing LB into a tiny cabin made of wooden boards from
which he cannot escape, take away his spells (ALT-4), arm a couple of
people with muskets and hundreds of bullets, and let them shoot LB for
a while? "You will pay for that!" "Oof!" "Oof!" "No more!". Especially
enjoyable when you do it on one of the little islands south-west of
Trinsic (you have to have water on the edges of the screen), so that
no guards show up when he calls for them.

Using blood instead of water to turn dough into a roll is always fun.
Once, it turned into a cake. I lovingly call it 'blood-pie'.

And there is so much more! Covering babies in burning oil in front of
their parents (who don't seem to mind), blasting Batlin with a cannon
while he's tending a fellowship meeting, or alternatively tearing down
the place around him without anyone noticing (but woe you if you touch
his chest), pulling chairs from underneath LB (too bad it doesn't have
the desired effect), etc.

Well-Dressed Dragon -=(UDIC)=-
"Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow. Oswald was a fag"
- from The Usual Suspects

The Plaque O' Doom

By Chao Bell

"The Throne Room Of Lord British," proclaimed the plaque.

The plaque had always seemed a little crooked, as it if was barely
clinging to the stone wall on which it resided. Worse, it was situated
right over a doorway...one Lord British seemed to enjoy standing in for
whatever reason.

"How may I help thee, Selece?" the ruler asked, as he stood in said
doorway one fair afternoon. Dupre set the lifeless body of poor Spark down
gently on the floor.

"Well, you see, M'lord..." Selece began, and she saw out of the corner of
her eye that the aforementioned plaque appeared to be hanging a bit more
precariously than usual, "it's poor Spark. He's up and died in the Test of

One of the rivets securing the plaque to the stone fell, dropping to the
hard floor with a barely-audible "ting." Another seemed just about to go.

Lord British nodded gravely. "Then I will resurrect him--"

"Uh--" Sentri squinted at the plaque. "My Lord, this thing looks to be a
little crooked..." Before the Avatar could protest, Sentri reached up and
poked the plaque with the tip of his halberd in an attempt to set it

He failed.


"That is precisely the thing to do!" chirped the Guardian's unbelievably
pleased--and amused--voice as the remaining rivets gave way. The plaque
fell, striking Lord British squarely in the skull with a sound like an
apple dropped onto a hard floor. Lord British fell in a similar manner, as
did Selece's jaw.

"M'lord!?" Selece knelt down and shook Lord British by the shoulder.

"He's knocked out!" Tseramed exclaimed. Selece shook her head and
whimpered, eyes wide in disbelief and one hand covering a mouth wide open
in shock.

"No he's not--he's stone dead!"

Iolo stared incredulously at Sentri. "Oh my God!" he blurted. "You killed
Lord British!"

"You bastard!" Dupre blurted in turn.

Shamino rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Nice going, Sentri. You could
have waited till he brought Spark back, you know."

Sentri sheepishly leaned the incriminating halberd against the nearest
wall and stepped away from it. "Sorry."

"Oh jeez. This sucks. This really sucks." Selece looked at the two corpses
on the floor and grumbled sourly. "Iolo, how much money do we have?"

Iolo made a quick tally. "Two hundred and some odd change, milady. And
those gold nuggets from the headlesses. And a few gems, I think. Should be
enough to raise one of them."

"Swell." Selece rubbed her eyes. "Spark? Sorry, kid, but you're gonna have
to stay dead a little longer. Shamino, you want to give me a hand with
Lord British? We gotta have him resurrected before anyone else
notices." Shamino looked at her as if she'd grown a third eye.

"What, are we just going to drag him through the streets to the healer!?"

Selece frowned...and the gears turned in her brain, churning out the plan
for the biggest government coverup this side of Roswell. "Eh. On second
thought, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. Everyone give Iolo your
money. Shamino, help me drag him back in there and set him on the throne
before he goes stiff. Iolo, go cash in the gems and the gold
nuggets. Tseramed, go get the healer. Sentri, go get a mop and clean up
the blood, and for God's sake don't touch anything else..oh, and put Spark
somewhere, we don't need two dead bodies lying around. Dupre, tell all the
witnesses he's fine, just knocked out cold--"

"--very cold," Shamino interjected. Selece shot him a pained look.

"--and he'll be up and kicking in a bit. And everyone please be
Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to know what just
happened here except us, the healer, and maybe Lord British if he
remembers anything when he comes to. Get goin--"

As Selece and Shamino hauled the corpse of the king off the floor, a
scroll slipped from the folds of his robe and landed at Selece's
feet. "What's this?" she mused, picking the scroll up. "His will? Hmm..."

Her curiosity got the best of her, and she read it.

And immediately wished she hadn't.

"This..." Her eyes were wide, her jaw had dropped to the floor once more,
and she shook her head in disbelief. "Way too much information.
I did not need to know this." She passed the scroll to Dupre, who
read it as well and gave forth a similar reaction.

"Didn't think the old man had it in him," he commented as he passed the
scroll to Iolo, who naturally read it as well. His face registered an
equal amount of disbelief...and no small amount of amusement.

"I don't think I want to be in town when they read this out," he chuckled,
passing it to Shamino, who took it with his free hand, read, and appeared
to be making a concerted effort to remember the gravity of the situation
and keep a straight face.

"Oh. Oh my." He fought back a laugh and handed the scroll off to
Sentri. "I guess I wasn't the only one with a few wild oats left to

Sentri, by now wanting nothing more than to curl up into a mortally
embarrassed ball and burrow under the floor, gingerly took the scroll and
read as well. His commentary on the subject pretty much summed up the
whole ghastly situation.

"Oh shit."

Tseramed read over his shoulder and gasped. "This is a Bad Thing, isn't
it?" he asked, plucking the scroll from Sentri's fingers and handing it
back to Selece. Selece carefully stuffed it back into the pocket from
whence it had come.

"As I said," she replied, "nobody is going to know about it.
Everyone go. Go go go."

And with that, the party members went their seperate ways to perform their
seperate duties.

A tale of Spark

By Joe Manternach

Lord British's Castle

British: Joe, the noble Avatar! Tis great to see thee!

Avatar: Hello my friend. How are you?

British: I am fine. Who is this young man?

Avatar: Oh, that's Spark, he's just a little bitch.
He's useful though.

British: How so?

Avatar: Well, we need somebody to test all the fountains
and stuff on.

British: All? What have you tried?

Avatar: Oh, various fountains, Silver Serpent Venom.

Shamino: Not to mention the those weird glowing potions you stole.. er,
I mean borrowed from Rudyom.

Avatar: Shut up Shamino!

Shamino: Sorry, Milord.

British: Does it speak?

Avatar: Well, those potions Shamino mentioned took away his ability to speak.

British: Oh my God! Poor child!

Avatar: The whole party and I beg to differ. You are lucky you don't have
to hear him.

British: Very well. How are you old man.. er, I mean Iolo.

Iolo: God damnit! Everybody makes fun of my age!

Avatar: You almost shit your pants at those dragons in Destard.

Iolo: So? My aim was true!

Sentri: You hit me in the back!!!

Iolo: Exactly! Did you not notice it was 3 magic bolts flying from my
triple crossbow?

Tseramed: Umm Sentri, he's trying to say he meant to hit you.

Iolo: Magic bolts and arrows hit nothing but their intended target.


Iolo: You made fun of me!!!

Sentri: OK, I'll never make fun of you again.

Tseramed: That reminds me.. I shot that damn jester, Chuckles, on my way
in here.

British: I hated him too. I was gonna have the Avatar kill him anyway.

Tseramed: Good thing.

Dupre: Was that Virtuous?

Avatar: Oh, shut up Dupre!!!

Dupre: But I'm programmed like that!!!

Avatar: I have a program that can change that.

Dupre: You better not...

Avatar: Would you like to dance like Chuckles?
Or perhaps you would like to be a beggar instead.
Maybe you would like to act like a toddler?

Dupre: OK! I'll shut up!!!

British: By the way, who is this ranger?

Avatar: This is Tseramed, and he's a great addition to our group.

Peasant Man: I'm gonna be late for the Fellowship Meeting.

<Tseramed draws an arrows and pierces the man's heart.>

British: !!!

Avatar: Don't ask.

Tseramed: How do, Lord British?

British: Glad to meet thine aquaintance.

Jaana: Excuse me Milord, didn't we leave about 152 pieces of
dough in the bakery shop's oven?

British: Why would you do that?

Avatar: I got a part-time job at the bakery.

<Baker runs in>


<A horse and buggy with a bunch of chests on it rolls by. >

Shamino: What's that?

British: A fire engine! the chests are full of buckets of water.

Shamino: That's clever.

Spark: Shit!

All: HE TALKS!!!!!

Avatar: Black Sword.. one more person to kill.

Sword: Who is it, my master?

Avatar: Spark

Spark: Shit!

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