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Teacher: What excuse have you got for being
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of one
How Can I?
Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife
when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.
Father: Have you taken your maths test, son?
Son: Taken already.
Father: Did you get them all right?
Son: Only five wrong
Father: Not bad! By the way, how many sums altogether?
Right And Wrong
Teacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.
Teacher: Is the sum right?
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.
Dead Body Cycling
During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him . . . .
Teacher: Bobby, join these two sentences together. I was
cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Bobby: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.
Musician: Is the music sweet?
Boy: It's more or less like the one which my father plays.
Musician: Is your father a musician?
Boy: No, he's a carpenter.
Thief For Thief
One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .
Wife: You know dear, our new washerwoman stole two of our
towels. That crook!
Husband: Which towels dear?
Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach.
Bus Inspector: Where's your ticket?
Traveler: I think I have lost it.
Bus Inspector: Well, that's not a good excuse.
Traveler: Alright. You suggest a better one.
Sign in the Dark
Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.
Make a Sentence
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.
A new prisoner comes to a prison cell.
Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.
Where are you from?
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
One day, 2 Ah Bengs (slang for singapore gangster) were driving to Disneyland.
As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said Disneyland Left.
So they turned around and went home.
If Bill Gate's had a penny for every time Windows crashed.......
Forget it. He does.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Free From Cholesterol
Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.
"Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper.
"But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely.
"Don't fool me," replied Banta, "It is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free'".
Little John asked a long-distance telephone operator, "Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator replied, "Just a minute."
Little John said, "Thank you." And he put down the phone.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: You have done the right thing.
Son: But I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Two ants are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other "Hey, you're really good at this".
"Yes I know, I'm playing in the cup next week!"
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher.
“When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Right of WayThis is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course."
#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."
#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
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Once a fat man stepped on to a weighing machine. He put a ten-cent coin into the slot. Out came a card with the printed words," One by one, please."
A Bed For Mother
Mother's day was coming...
John: Mary, what shall we get for mother on Mother's Day?
Mary: A bed.
Mary: All of us have nice beds to sleep on but poor mother has to share one with father.
Shoes Round The Neck?
Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Three dollars.
Customer: What! I can buy a pair of shoes for three dollars!
Salesman: Yes. But who would want to wear a pair of shoes round the neck?
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet (developed by Western Union to test telecommunications)
One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital...
Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.
The Smallest Words
One boy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. Here is how it goes . . .
Optician: OK boy, sit down please. Can you see the smallest
words on the board.
Boy: Yeah, the smallest words on the board are "Made in Great Britain".
Drive Me Back
Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.
Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and same time."
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?
Ah Beng's Doctor Visit
Ah Beng had something wrong with his brain so he went to see a doctor.
After the medical examination, the doctor told him: "Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right. Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left."
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Johnny: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Johnny: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.
When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.
Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.
Tits on Back
A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it. Number '0' too.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.
Skin and Bones
Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
Be careful what you ask for
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.
''Isn't that awfully steep?'', asked the man.
''Yes'', the lawyer replied, ''and what was your third question?''
There was this case in the hospital where a patient always died in the same bed and on a Friday morning regardless of his medical condition. This puzzles the doctors and some even thinks that it's got something to do with the supernatural.
One day, all the doctors decide to go down to the ward where it all happens on Friday morning and take a look at what's going on. Friday morning comes and everyone's at the hospital ward waiting for the terrible phenomenon to occur again.
Just before the expected time, the cleaner comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum!
The story is that Albert Einstein's driver used to sit at the back of the hall during each of his lectures, and after a period of time, remarked to Einstein that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it several times.
So at the next stop on the tour, Einstein & the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back, in driver's uniform. The driver gave the lecture, flawlessly.
At the end, a member of the audience asked a detailed question about some of the subject matter, upon which the lecturer replied, 'well, the answer to that question is quite simple, I bet that even my driver, sitting up at the back, there, could answer it...'.