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How Evil Owl Would Love to Respond to his Customers

I HATE it when the phone isn't near the computer. I wasn't in the best mood when I wrote this.

Caller - I need help in Microsoft Word
Me - Ok, where are you now

Caller - In the living room
Me - No Einstein, where are you in the computer
Caller - The computer?? It's in the Den.... Why??
Me - Oh no - don't tell me - the phone doesn't reach, right??
Caller - No, it doesn't. Is that a problem
Me - Well, yea, it is. You're probably going to shout my instructions to Bettie Lou in the other room
Caller - how did you know her name was Bettie Lou???
Me - it's a gift. Now, I'm assuming, impossible as this may seem, that Bettie Lou is dumber than you
Caller - Well, kinda.... we're simple people.
Me - super - dumb and dumber. Listen, this is 1998 - has the concept of a cordless phone somehow passed you by?? Cause I'll tell ya, I refuse to work this way. I quite doing relay races in the seventh grade. Lemme ask you, did you make it to seventh grade??

Feel my wrath, Mel

Owl - Tech Support - can I help you?
Caller - hey there - I've got my friend MEL on the line with us. He's a computer expert. He'll tell you what's wrong - you there, Mel??
Owl - Wait, hang on a sec. I have a few questions. So, Mel, are you that friend everyone has who's a "computer genious".
Mel - ummmm, yeah.....I suppose.
Owl - But in reality, you know very little, right?
Mel - ummm, uh
Owl - And you make everything you touch worse, correct
Mel - well, once I fixed the toaster, but that was..
Owl - and I can see how that qualifies you to work on computers. Mel, why do you do this??? Do you think it will make you more attractive to women..
Mel - well, I always wanted to be a computer guy - you guys are so cool - wait... "RAM, MOTHERBOARD, HARD DRIVE" see - I can do it.....
Owl - Mel, I think you should leave the computer stuff to me, and stick to selling shoes, ok?
Mel - How did you know I sold shoes???

I've always wanted to do this

Caller: (after a long tirade with me) "You're not very helpful - let me speak to your manager"
Me: "Certainly, hold on.... (deepens voice) Manager speaking, can I help you??"
Caller: "Yes, your tech was very rude to me"
Me (manager): I'm sorry about that sir, but it's because you're an asshole"
Caller: "what??"
Me (manager): "Yes, I heard the whole conversation. I'm surprised my tech didn't call you the dick you are."
Caller:"Are you saying I'm difficult?"
Me (manager): No, I'm saying you're a complete asshole - Please say you're sorry to the nice tech"
Caller: (meekly) ok....

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