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Ah Beng's Letterbox

Dear Ah Beng,

My son really, really wants an Internet-ready multimedia computer for Christmas. But my husband just got retrenched, and we can't afford to give him one.

I really hate to disappoint my son, and I realise nowadays kids need them to get ahead in school. Can you help?

Dear Mudder,

Just give the little bugger some porno magazine or tapes for Christmas.
It's what he really wants to use the Internet-ready computer for anyway.
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

You know ah, all my friends say, my daughter go out with ang mor very good, very high class. Then next time I can visit America and stay in their big house. The problem is, the ang mor say ah, wedding the girl's family must pay for everything you know.

Like that very loo gee for me you know. I invest so much money in my daughter then wedding still got to pay. How like that? You think I should let her marry the ang mor or not?
Jin Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Don't worry about the wedding. You must think long term. In America, they have this very good thing called the divorce settlement. After your daughter marries him, half of what he owns belongs to her. So you will get half of his big house, his car, and everything else.

So if he wants you to pay for the wedding, say can. Then you and daughter just need to wait a few years, then she can divorce him and you can collect money already. Repeat as many times as you need until you get enough for your retirement.

Good Luck!
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

My husband is driving me mad! He always buys the most cheapo brands on the market, because he says people are conned into paying extra for the name.

So he refuses to buy Lux soap, he must buy 'Smell OK' brand. Instead of Kraft cheese, he will buy Gu Neh-Neh brand. How?
Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Your husband is not entirely wrong, but it looks like he's going a bit far. You just have to show him that sometimes, you do get what you pay for.

You ask me hor, the fastest way to make the point is to switch your current brand of toilet paper to 'Durian' brand($3 for 100 rolls). He won't dare to be stingy again!
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Got this creepy guy hor, come and approach me when I was sitting at Burger King and say he would give me $100,000 if I go and kill his wife leh. I think it's not a very nice thing to do, but then, I donno his wife, and the money is si beh solid.

How? Should I do it?

Dear Teenager,

I never understand why people want to kill their wife. Si beh leceh one. If you not happy with your marriage is very simpur one. Just go Geylang and find some GRO in a KTV lounge, and everything is gau timm. But I agree, $100,000 is a lot of money.

I have a better suggestion. Why don't you go and tell his wife about it, then ask how much she wants for you to kill him? After all he sounds like an asshole. If he finds out, then up the price. And say if he doesn't pay, you'll tell the police. Simpur-simpur, and you don't have to kill anybody.
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

I have been conducting this internet relationship with this girl for the past few months. I really, really like her and look forward to our chats a lot. Recently, I asked for her photo, but she din'ch wan to give me, saying why are looks important?

The most important thing is we get along so well. What she says makes sense, but why do I still feel like I need to know what she looks like?

Dear Showmeleh,

People always say that on the internet hor, is when people are the most honest, when they no need to be concerned about their looks lah, their income lah, all these surface things. I agree. So I will also be very honest with you: your friend is not giving you her photo probably because she is either si beh argly or a man.
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Every year, my wife wants to throw a Christmas party. I'm really not in the mood to spend another stupid year making small talk with her stupid friends, spending money on some stupid ang-mor bird that tastes like substandard chicken.

And dumb decorations that make my house look like a log cake. How do I get her to stop this irritating tradition in a polite and non-confrontational way?

Dear Hubby,

Just ask her whether you can invite some friends to her party, and then call some char bors from Geylang Lorong 69 to come over. She will bao want to stop the party, but you may just want to keep going. Especially since the birds will taste much better this year.
Ah Beng

Dear Ah Beng,

Ok, this one is a short question. Ah Beng Kor Kor, do you have girl friend or not? If not, leave me SMS message OK? 97965818.

Dreaming of you,
Ah Lien Mei Mei

Dear Ah Lien Mei Mei,

I always say that girlfriends are like durian biji - you can't have only one. Also, girls who are proficient in communications technology are si beh appealing. (We Ah Bengs always like to call girls, lah!) Call you soon!
Ah Beng

1 comments RSS of last 10 posts

new post [ expand all ]

AhFaith (1 posts) AhFaith Dear Ah Beng,
I dun know whether I should ask u this question or nt...maybe u will think is a stupid like this de...Actually last time i veri guai...guai kia...then nw I am a bit Ah Lian...I dun know whether I should be a guai kia or Ah Lian....
posted 25 Dec 2009 - Reply - Permanent Link

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